Obama, paraphrased

The other day, Obama gave a speech before Notre Dame that resulted in a lot of Catholics getting angry and Alan Keyes getting arrested (4).  Given the highly volatile situation, what would a man in Obama’s shoes speak about?

This article contains Obama’s paraphrased speech, comically restructured to more blatantly display his logical errors and actual statements.  If you’d like to read the original speech or even watch it, the text and video are provided and highly recommended before reading.   If you don’t read the actual speech, you won’t believe the actual stupidity that I point out in the following paraphrasing.  It should also be noted that this paraphrasing begins during the second video clip (out of the four), because the first portions of the speech were too boring.

Also, don’t expect this to make a whole lot of sense.  This is Obama speaking.

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Obama: America is a terrible place to live.  Today, we live in a country where strong people take advantage of weak people, and we are committing prejudiced acts just like we were in ancient times.  This, my friends, is completely unacceptable, and as a college-educated crowd, you realize that our extreme prejudice as a society is a big, big problem because of White Christians (editor’s note: no other oppressive group available).  This is the reason I’m going to blabber on tonight.

But fighting the injustices of the world isn’t that easy, mostly because the people you’re supposed to be working alongside for the common good are pretty different than you.  This difficulty, my friends, definitely has nothing to do with other people wanting different things or having different standards, because people want exactly the same things.  Lemme give you three incredibly useless examples that prove exactly the opposite.

1) Soldiers and lawyers both want to defend America, but blowing stuff up and suing terrorists into submission are very different.  Both very painful for terrorists, but both very different. 

2) Pastors and gay rights activists both hate HIV, but for some totally honorable reason–for both of them–they can’t agree that having promiscuous homosexual intercourse causes AIDS in the first place.  This, I see as standing in the way of genuine unity, since AIDS is an evil in itself and not the product of any behaviors.

3) People on opposite sides of the stem-cell research fiasco oftentimes find themselves yelling at each other, but who is more correct?  The person who protects the baby who dies, or the person who protects their child with a disability?  Nobody knows, since the kids are both equal.  And by the way, this doesn’t negate what I said about “the strong dominating the weak” earlier, even if the already grown kid gets the test-tube kid’s parts, and I just referred to the test-tube kid as a person.

*RIOTOUS CLAPPING*

So how do we work through this without sacrificing our principles?   I mean, both sides feel like they’re right, so we shouldn’t be mean because of silly moral stances and beliefs.  Evil is only committed in the universe by mad Nazi scientists, after all, and not populations of people who have the wrong ideas that sound right.  After all, if we both feel right, can we ever be wrong?  The reason I think this way is because I had a guy write me a long time ago, and he said that I should treat people with respect while enforcing my worldview upon them, so I do.

As far as working together in spite of our differences is concerned, consider abortion.  We can’t agree about whether or not it’s kosher, but let’s pass condoms out at church like my denomination does in order to make less women pregnant (1).  Let’s make adoption available to gay people even if religious adoption agencies don’t want to (2).  Let’s pay women to have kids out of wedlock.  Let’s give doctors the right to refuse to perform abortions while at the same time honoring the rights of women to have abortions (only a contradiction for the unimaginative), and also call the right to an abortion an equality issue, even though men can’t get abortions for the babies they don’t carry.  See?  The right and the left CAN work together.

*THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE*

So this is why I’m so impressed by father what’s-his-face: a guy who clearly understands that Catholic tradition shouldn’t get in the way of the total cooperation of those who otherwise would take stances on what they believe to be divinely instated morality, which they believe to be from God.  What a great guy, so educated and open minded for having me here in spite of his belief system.

But anyway, you, the class of 2009, are graduating at a really bad time.  You’re trying to restore a free market that favors wealth redistribution (once again, only impossible for unimaginative minds), and you’re trying to do it when Right-wingers are making fun of me on the radio.

*LAUGHING AT THE JOKE, NOT AT OBAMA*

And remember, even though you’re Catholic, the funny thing about faith is that it’s faith.  It’s not concrete, nor will you ever know if you’re following fables or not, or whether or not Jesus is actually gonna come through on His promises.  The good news is that this should make you humble about your religion, and keep you from making definitive statements, even though religion is supposed to be a message directly from God that’s infallible, and if it’s not then it’s a bunch of garbage.  Actually, you should focus more on things that all the other religions practice, like being nice to people.  THAT is something you can all agree on, so why not just spend more time doing it?  It’s not like you have to take your “holy books” at face value when we’ve got democratic consensus.

*RUPTURE OF EXCITEMENT*

Don’t let this shake your faith, though, in your traditions.

But you educated kids at Notre Dame already know that… so relax.  When you work together with people by enforcing poor lending standards and fighting the terrors of tenant eviction for bad tenants, suddenly your God becomes irrelevant and you–you and all your Muslim buddies–can make all things possible (3)(5).  Because fighting for good–the good I previously stated we disagree about–makes dogma irrelevant.

I don’t know if I need to remind you, but a while ago, a guy like me couldn’t have been president (I’m black).  But a bunch of different guys got together and went fishing because they like fishing, and so they were able to start the civil rights campaign which got me here.  If they hadn’t gone fishing, there’s no clue where we’d be today.  So what am I trying to tell you?  Don’t be racist.  Find common ground.

*MORE CLAPPING*

End of speech

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You’ve gotta hand it to Obama: the guy can really speak.  Unfortunately, the things he speaks about aren’t just lies, they’re incredibly persuasive lies that threaten to sway Christians and other conservatives from vigilance to support of outright immorality and theological confusion.  But you wouldn’t know it if you didn’t spend much time thinking about the logical ramifications of Barack’s statements.

Before we close, it should be noted that today is not the first day that the world has been diverse, nor the first day that Christians have been surrounded by people who thought differently than they did.  Actually, the world of primal Christianity was an incredibly diverse one.  So diverse, in fact, that the Apostles were killed because they went into synagogues and temples and told the Jews and Romans and Greeks that Christ was the only way, Christ was the only truth, and Christ was the only solution.  Contrast that with the way your president says you should behave, and determine for yourself which path you should follow: the “humble” path of virtual non-belief, or the path of truth provided by actual and penetrating divine revelation.

1) Obama’s church passes condoms out at church

http://www.ucc.org/news/uccs-health-advocates-press.html

2) Gay rights vs. religious rights

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=91486191

3) Obama and the Citibank redlining lawsuit

http://www.suntimes.com/news/politics/obama/700499,CST-NWS-Obama-law17.article

4) Alan Keyes speaks about Obama’s invitation to Notre Dame

http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/200905170018

5)  Obama, Acorn, and the people they protect

http://townhall.com/columnists/MichelleMalkin/2009/02/25/those_foreclosure_victims_deserve_no_sympathy

This entry was posted on 19. May 2009 at 19:32 and is filed under philosophy, Theology. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.

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