One major benefit to living in a Seattle suburb is that you get to see loads of hilariously backward liberal bumperstickers.  In an hour or two, a person in a parking lot can see everything from the opinionatedly illogical ([1] conservatives treat people like dogs) to the outright insane (Howard Dean’s face [2] popping out of a cloud with a big “THANK YOU”) to the unclassily blasphemous.  This last category generally involves Jesus’ name and the F-word.

But since I’ve been getting jaded after seeing all the same stickers for so long, and at the same time I understand liberal thought much better than most liberals (as I spent most of my college years getting educated by their “finest”), I’ve decided to draft a series of stickers for liberals that I think they’ll really appreciate.  And if you don’t understand the slogan, I’ve linked the statements to articles which clearly explain why the sticker exists.  As such, here they are in all their glory.

Enjoy! 

-My forefathers died fighting tyrants for [3] hunting rights (1)

-Defend America from terrorists: deport all our troops and veterans

-Save the earth and workers: [4] shut only Walmart down (2)

-Borders are [5] racist (3)

-Fight for the environment: [6] effectively reduce only [7] White pregnancy (9)(4)

-Freedom is [8] forcing pastors to support sodomy (5)

-Support [9] diverse and tolerant democracy: [10] import Islam (6)(10)

-Cancer is not as important as AIDS because you can’t get cancer from sex

-Jesus [11] forced other people to pay his charitable donations through taxation (7)

-I believe in the dignity and worth of all monkeys that evolved from goo

-Human rights for everyone… except police officers

-Support the troops: don’t support the troops

-I’m already against our next independence movement

-Fight sub-prime lending and lending discrimination [12] at the same time (8)

-I support a woman’s right to have no sexual dignity in an honorable way

-Subsidize deadbeat dads

-I treat Obama like the third-place winner in the special olympics (editor’s note: thanks to David Cross)

-Support and quote every religion except Christianity

-Fighting terrorism is terrorism

-Social services: so moral, you’ve gotta put it on the baby’s tab

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1) Barack supports your right to own guns for hunting

http://74.125.95.132/search?q=cache:BijEawARITwJ:www.barackobama.com/pdf/issues/additional/Obama_FactSheet_Western_Sportsmen.pdf+gun+rights+hunters+obama&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us&client=firefox-a

2) Walmart and unfair criticism from the left (considering the other chains)

http://www.nationalreview.com/york/york200511230832.asp

3) Borders: racist!

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1195250,00.html

4) Birth rates by country.  Most population explosions in Africa.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_birth_rate

5) When gay rights and civil liberties clash

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=91486191

6) “Peaceful” Islam

http://www.thereligionofpeace.com/

7) “Charity” according to the left

http://townhall.com/columnists/WalterEWilliams/2008/11/19/evil_concealed_by_money

8) Fighting redlining and sub-prime industry are contradictory goals

http://www.nypost.com/seven/02052008/postopinion/opedcolumnists/the_real_scandal_243911.htm?page=0

9) Caucasian suicide

http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/new.php?n=14730

10) The immigration act of 1965 imports equally from all over the globe to fight “racism”

http://www.america.gov/st/educ-english/2008/April/20080423214226eaifas0.9637982.html